Friday, January 13, 2017

The Heart of Whiteness

(Make Plaid Pay For The Wall) 

What makes white people so fucking hilarious? Everyone is trying to figure it out again, after years of ignoring and dismissing them, or just mocking their incestual dance patterns. I mean, who can practice subdued rhythm undulations when you're trying to make sure nobody sees you fingering your cousin, which is good practice for your sister, and other southern jokes..... Suddenly white stupidity is in vogue again, and it has escaped the South. It's everywhere... Well, discussing it is. It's all the rage in the liberal salons, the hot air balloons of culture, we're told. You know, cities and college campuses.

It shouldn't take very long before many will re-learn that most of these people actually are ignorant bigots and would vote against every value that you believe should be precious to them, if they could only understand their own dilemma. I'm sick of it. December was my Get to Know a Retard month and it turns out that I don't care for the people who don't care for me, or my values. I mean the liberals, here, we'll get around to the flyover retards in a bit. 

The assumption is that underpaid educators should fix this issue. Few things are more enlightening than exploring the fertile mind of a fourth grade teacher. Talking to them about the value and worth of what they do is like being trapped in an abbreviated version of a TED talk for children. It's like talking to a popup book, one that's been translated into a barely recognizable language, a story invented on the fly by the speaker in question. When they're not busy reading their self-improvement horoscopes then they're dedicating most of their leftover resources to misunderstanding common core math and publicly denouncing it as ineffectual and wasteful. They're the right group to fix this problem. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. The same way that cops are adequately equipped to correct racism. They just need a little more encouragement by the left.

Now, I kid here a bit... some of my favorite pubescent breakthrough moments involved teachers of that ilk. However, I didn't grow up and then start to think that they could fix everything, or anything beyond my specific growing pants predicament for some of them. One, really. Have I written about my late pubescent teacher crush here? After I successfully graduated the ritual of puberty I stopped believing in her punitive power to correct society, or me. I never believed that a politician or a party could fix very much, either. The idea was to limit the amount of damage that any one of them could do. That was the beauty of democracy, even though we live in a republic toilet.   

I can't tell if they're still white stereotypes or if we can safely label them all as white privileges, now. For me, that's the most fun part of all of this: white people have reclaimed the title that rightfully belongs to them, just as liberals were wanting to develop a deeper understanding of them. Turns out that white people really are just as willing as we suspected to look the other way when the pile of bullshit is on their side. Who would have guessed?

There's very little to understand: these people are ignorant assholes. They should only ever be pandered to. That is the resounding lesson of Trump. They don't suffer from white guilt and they do not believe that they benefit from white privilege, so there's not much that you can do with them beyond mocking them privately and pandering to them publicly. But just leave it to liberals, they'll find a way to fix farmers' problems for them. They're not some exotic new demographic waiting to be opined upon as I am, these are the people you joke about at Thanksgiving dinner. They are genuinely relieved that Obama's gone and now America can get back to doing what it does best, being white again.

Great white, at that. Never forget to be inclusive of the stupidest people that are old enough to vote, remind them that Mexicans want to steal their trailer and that baseball hats have been worn by all the greatest of leaders. That's politics 101: alligators bite, they're not just useful as pet ideas. 

I'll now repeat what I've always said, Fuck White People! 

That being said, I've been celebrating my whiteness by listening to R.E.M. Aren't they just so quirky and artsy? What do they mean on their early albums, before they tried to become U2? All of my Mexican buddies at the gym have asked me about that cool music I play that is both thought provoking and danceable. I tell them that it's from Georgia.