Tuesday, January 17, 2017

How I lost the Olympics

(Миссия выполнена)

Another day, another dream. Yesterday, I exhausted myself doing stuff after work - a bike ride, the gym, and swimming. I ate sushi and had sake, went to sleep early and rose late. 

Why does rose seem wrong there? It probably is. I should have studied more when that was what life expected most of me. I am currently throwing out books that I'll never read, or never read again. Asking myself the question, Will I live long enough to want to read this? is a very odd domestic ritual, where fears meet dreams and then negotiate my feelings about the future. 

I swam laps in preparation for what will now be a "Sprint Triathlon" rather than the esteemed world class Napa Olympics, the gold standard of athleticism. 

My American teammate and training partner was caught doping, again, so we have been asked to withdraw our team and participate in the un-televised triathlon that occurs a day before the Olympics. We're now in that category, thrown into the basket of satiricals. These Olympic urine tests have become much more stringent in the last week. 

We have been advised by our legal counsel to not publicly discuss this matter as it could negatively impact our sponsorship deals for the Ped-Egg Powerball Bunion Remover. (Please mention this site when purchasing. Much like Ken Rockwell, my family would starve if I wasn't a hardworking beggar that happens to unfairly love Nikon cameras and lenses.) 

The Sprint triathlon is exactly half what the Olympic is - 750 meters swimming (I did 900 last night), 12.4 miles cycling (I did 25 yesterday), and 3.1 miles of running (The oldest parts of the bible instructs that "The foolish man runs when no one is chasing him" so I refuse to train for this portion of the event and instead have paid a Kenyan to chase me a stick on the day of the triathlon, which should cover any biblical compliance needs for the event. We adhere to the strict Old Testicle ways.)

The world is full of crazies, just look around. When I was younger I loved it. I could sit and giggle for hours about it on acid. Now, it just seems that these people should not have a say in anything, ever. Seriously. We're all afraid of totalitarianism, or so we claim, and I know the timing is rather poor for this deeply held personal opinion. I understand that. But... the first thing I would take away from people is their say in things, their vote. I would suppress voting in a much less racially patterned way, nobody would be able to complain on that level, anyway.

If they are not funny then they should not be allowed to participate in the conversation. Power should always be kept from the humorless. These times offer opportunity mostly for the satirist and the cynics among us. The unhappiest have been trying to claim the "death of irony" for 15 years and four months and six days now. I hope they've learned their lesson. Irony just took the White House.