Saturday, December 7, 2013

Quell my qualms

(my carbon contribution)

I have just read the wikipedia page on "global warming"… I don't recommend this, particularly if you have a child, and you're trying to go back to sleep, which is what I was trying to do. 

Everything becomes about time. Rhys is 23 months old today, now we will count his age in years.

It is easy to worry, the mind is built for it. It is more difficult to relax, which requires practice. For me, it is an ordering of the mind, a subtle regimen helps. Later this morning I will go to a meditation class, to try to practice something lost along the way.

I try not to worry too much about things that are well out of my control, like global warming, but fuck…. read the wikipedia page linked above. Let me know if you can sleep afterwards.

I should do something about it, like take a Xanax rather than just lying here, wallowing in my misgivings.

But if I'm too lazy to wake up and take my medicine then how can I be expected to resolve the world's carbon problems.

I started looking around wikipedia tonight, out of boredom. I never noticed that you can export each page as a .pdf file. I put the page on global warming on my phone, so that I can worry about it anytime I wish to. I might not be smart enough to relax but I know how to store something about which to fret. 

Portable trifles, etc.

My life is filled with worries. I am too concerned with things. It has reduced my effectiveness, my pleasures.

This site was an effort to document something, and I believe it did, in some ways. Recently, I went back to the post in which I first announced Rachel's pregnancy. It's hard to believe how much our lives have changed since then. It seems impossible. There was no time whatsoever between the public announcing of Rachel's pregnancy and our move to California. None. 

Our lives were already out the door, packed in pods.

I was worried that perhaps we were trying to undertake too many changes at once, that maybe our relationship would suffer from the strain of so much transition. Wasn't I silly. 

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing here. I'm not sure how much I wish to document what might come next, the whirlwind of emotions, the inability to be fair about the future - not just my inability. Well, maybe. 

Wow. (I was trying to find that old post about our pregnancy) 

I accidentally did a Google search for instead of navigating to the site by typing that into the URL field (I swear). A bunch of sites came up in which I am linked, which explains why I get so much traffic from certain posts (Alfred Hitchcock, Bettie Page, etc.)

Try it. I'm famous!

Well, my fame is only worth about $900 a month in advertising, but soon I'll be able to live off of my wisdom and yearnings alone. 

I can't stop writing now. Such a thing would likely crush me. A heart like mine… always in danger of too much silence, not enough. An innocent amongst the wilds.