(carrying, while I still can)
I have to get out of my head. I am spending far too much time there. It rarely works out to my advantage. When it does it is still quite a danger, perhaps then most of all.
I've started a few paragraphs already this morning and the above is the only one that remains. It seems that I can not delete my thoughts fast enough. They keep appearing in front of me. I can't take many of them any more. I have too much going on inside and no adequate way to get it all out. Reading out loud what I have written is embarrassing, on any day, but today especially.
Talking about myself doesn't help. It only seems to deepen the laceration, to tear open the wound, then in pours the concrete. I am just openly picking at a few scabs here, to verify that the healing process continues, to make sure that it is still happening just under the surface.
Oh my, underneath, look how it recovers anew.
Victory from the inside.
But fuck... I had the temerity to use the word "exile" to self-describe yesterday morning. What gall, when considered up against almost anything, like: the rest of the globe.
But what else are we to do? One can not always read the news just to feel better. And I am not too far off from living in a tent, a one man refugee camp.
It's because I am only talking to myself here that I feel that I am alone. You need the voices of others to carry with you. I do need other voices.
Life can be miserable, get used to it, I say. Not the misery but the strong possibility of it, its ever close proximity. Life doesn't have to be wretched, I remind myself. It's not a requirement, but it can be.
The best preparation for misery is by being happy. If you can swing it then it is a pretty good weapon against approaching darkness. It is easiest to get back to a place that you know exists. Having some direction helps.
But my happiness is too much dependent upon others. I see that now. I am often only begging to borrow it. Its expected return arrives unannounced. Just like Jesus, a thief in the night. Living in debt is quite easy. We're all used to it.
It is so easy to be forgetful, impossible to forget.
If you want to feel silly just like me then read this post aloud, you'll see.