Wednesday, August 9, 2017


I think the boy has grown bored of me being his father. He has shown signs of outgrowing my parenting methods. Kids have more energy to test the borders of behavior than a parent has to secure those borders. Wait, am I somehow Trump in this analogy? I'm going to build a fort in his room and make him pay for it. The next time I see the boy I'm going to insist that he prove that he's an American. I'll make him start carrying his passport with him everywhere he goes. I want his voter records! 

I've been looking for any early signs that he might be leaning towards conservatism, so that those impulses can be met with the appropriate derision. I picture all of my friends circling him, taunting, chanting: Rhys is a republican, Rhys is a republican...!!! 

I should be careful, one day that kid is going to beat me up and take my lunch money.

Doesn't getting your ass kicked suck? I remember a few fights from when I was a kid. They were awful.

To this day I think about how, with a little training, I might have lost those fights differently.

I spend as little time as possible in my kitchen trying to discover things that can be eaten with as little effort as possible. Today, I opened a can of barbecue beans and a jar of blue cheese salad dressing, then I wiped two spoons reasonably clean with my t-shirt.

You can just guess what happens next: lunch.