Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Conduct unbecoming of.....

My estrogen levels are off the charts. I fell asleep last night with the final factory scene from "An Officer and a Gentleman" looping with the volume set to hysterical weeping levels. 

Up Where We Belong, indeed. Tears of joy dripped from me, for her. I had knocked the box of tissues off of the bed and woke up all the cats. I curled up in my quilt and sobbed myself back to sleep where I dreamed of calorie-free ice cream.

I received a fair amount of criticism for my post yesterday from a small handful of friends that would prefer if I were simply tougher. Try to remember dear readers that I happen upon a subject, sometimes a subject that is quite personal, and I try explore it. In no way does it represent the totality of my thoughts or feelings. It is simply a brief meditation (hopefully) on the subject chosen.

And yes, I am saddened that my marriage has failed. I do worry about the effect that it will have on the boy, but I am reminded by every unpaid online advice specialist that children are quite resilient and that I should now raise my child this way, or that. All good advice. I am certain of it. None of which can protect the boy from whatever possible damage might be the result of all of this, the signs of which he is already showing. 

This reflection alone is not enough for Rachel and I to consider staying together. So be it. Some people do, and some people don't, for the same reasons and concerns. 

There are some who will read that last sentence and tell me what an awful idea it always is, and how it never works. There are others that will encourage you to work things out, just as they did, etc.

These same friends seem to miss the subtext here, that I am moving on with my life. I'm still allowed moments of reflective sadness, and even regret. Being honest is not a weakness, even when the honesty concerns an uncertainty of the heart. Emotional dogma and denial is not necessarily strength, though it can easily pass for it, with many.

Everybody wants you to be as certain as they are, and for your love to unfold itself in the way that theirs did. Because they are now okay, so there can only be one result from a similar circumstance.

It baffles the mind, a bit.

I try to agree past the point where it makes them comfortable, but that doesn't work either. I will draw every possible parallel between my circumstances and theirs. Because love is always identical to other love, and the condition that has been discussed in the last few minutes of conversation is the fulcrum point upon which all relationships bend or break.

Get it?

Perhaps counter-intuitively, it seems to be my old punk rock friends that have the best advice and generally see things as they are most clearly. Well, that is my perception of it, for whatever that's worth.

Who might have guessed that an old creeping legion of regurgitators would have learned anything by renouncing excess and doing it themselves.... what an unlikely ethos.

All the times when we were close, I'll remember these things the most...