Monday, March 23, 2015

Love is almost all you need

I already look forward to returning home from the city, to go to the gym. I exercise for the same reason that I now want the divorce, to feel better.

Another kick to the stomach, coming towards the end of a long series of kicks to the stomach. Things are more over now than I had guessed. I am told that it is for the best. That's what I tell the conflicted boy, also. He was crying out in his sleep the other night for "Mommy..." What can you do at such a moment? Love is and always has been an incomplete answer, even when it is the only possibility of a response. 

One of us eventually had to move on with our lives. In my own way, our "family" had become important to me. As the idea of reconciliation became increasingly remote I struggled to form and maintain a sense of cohesiveness in our lives. Now, it is all lost. The boy's mother won't be participating in my life any more, nor will I be involving myself in hers. The change was inevitable, I guess. I had exhausted my usefulness for the ongoing ambitions of her own life. Glad I could temporarily help, I guess.

I got a son out of of it, anyway.

Ah well, CS reminds me to keep my sense of humor about it. He is, of course, right. It feels as if there is nothing left to laugh with, though, no air to form the sounds. A profound abdominal emptiness might be the source of existential humor, but not necessarily of laughter.



  1. Hi.

    I've been through the same thing myself, and as shattering as it can feel, it is a door to something else. Always.

    What you have gotten is a sort of freedom, something you can make as much your own as you want. Life is nothing but clay, or whatever you like to mold stuff out of. As long as you and the boys mother can work stuff relating to your son out, all will be fine.

    I have my wee ones every other week, and as much as I hate leaving them for a week, I know they are loved and taken care of, and their mother feels the same.

    And that week they're at their mothers, I am free to do whatever I want. As I said, there's freedom in it, you just need to make it your own, grasp it and come to terms with it all.

    I know I write as if i know you, which I don't, and if I sound a bit full of myself, it might be true. I don't know. I just pass on some of what I know.

    Among that is the fact that it all tends to turn out well in the end.

    /Johan (former lurker)