I need to find a way of tricking myself into a new type of happiness. I've started with little things, like not opening my work computer until I am actually working. Not that working makes me unhappy, only that if I keep the work computer open all day, even when I'm not working then there begins to be too much overlap. It becomes difficult to separate my work time from my free time. It all starts to run together. One set of feelings tends to flatten another.
I sit here now, listening to the rain falling outside. I will drive to the gym in the dark and try to be happy on the elliptical machine instead of cycling. It can be done, but it requires carefully choosing an album. There is that, I suppose, that one advantage of being able to listen to music while working out.
I took some time off from work, but still, I am beside myself with anxiety for reasons I don't quite understand. It is perhaps just the changing of seasons, or perhaps my birthday depressed me a bit more than I guessed that it might, or it was a perfect storm between the changing weather and the passing of another year. As soon as I start to count on living in the moment the seasons change, the moments become less inviting, the poignancy of life is softened by the waning light of the month.
I picked up my Fuji X100S a few days ago and was amazed at what a worthless piece of shit it has become. I've grown used to the "more pro" version, the X-Pro2. It seemed to struggle with finding focus and the image quality has ceased to impress me. It was almost like shooting with an iPhone - pointless.
It wasn't fun any more. I might have even tried to make a phone call with the cursed thing, not knowing what else to do with it.
Too bad old Jobs isn't still around to tell us all that we're holding it wrong. I wonder if anyone whispered that to him on his deathbed: Hey Steve, buddy, this whole life thing, you're just holding it wrong....