I went to bed too early last night, have been awake since before 4am. I came home from work deadened, defeated and suicidal. My nerves were a jangled mess and I kept thinking that I might stab myself in the neck but I didn't have anything sharp enough, or even sharp. Everything required more energy than it was worth. I ate salad with a dull fork and stared at my computer screen, wishing that everything that I have access to there would all just go away.
I went off to bed early and read more from "The Brothers Karamazov." The book is great, truly. In fact it is a few great books, 900 pages worth. I am about 2/3rd's of the way through and all of the elements that Dostoyevsky took so long to establish are finally all coming into play now. There has been a murder, two in fact. So the moral dilemmas, recriminations and eventual resolutions are starting to all play out. It took 600 pages to get here, but we did it.
I am eager to finish this one and move on to another. Rachel gave me Jim Harrison's new book for Christmas, appropriately titled "The Great Leader." See... Christmas is not all bad. My working life is an unceasing nightmare but I don't use that to adopt the obligatory disdain towards Christmas. I understand all too well why it is a popular season for suicides but I've come to enjoy certain parts of the holiday season, like getting new books about suicide, etc.
Why am I writing about Christmas in January....?
I looked it up and it turns out that December is a relatively moderate month for suicide. Spring is an acceptable time according to popular wisdom, but July/August really seem to top the charts.
Wednesday is most people's day of choice, their day of demise.
Grim truths, those.
On the drive home from work yesterday, where all of my flesh from the waist below was scalded down passed the bone from wading across the overpopulated fiery lake of hell, I began imagining things that I might possibly say in a future job interview...
"You would be very lucky to get me to work for you."
"All of my strengths are actually just hidden weaknesses."
"I believe that the many decade-long gaps in my employment history are merely opportunities waiting to be explored."
And when they ask if I have any questions for them...
"Doesn't a job interview feel like an HR violation?"
"When do I get to quit ?"
Indeed. When do I get to quit.
This post is not a cry for help.
It is only meant to help.
Nobody needs to worry, this was all written very tongue-in-throat.
If you happen to know a company that could make use of a funny guy, in trying times, inquire within.
Maybe I should send my resume, as is, to Washington Mutual, Lehman Brothers, General Motors, Ameribank and Enron.
The sky's the limit.