Friday, with a team of three other untrained experimental research scientists, I assisted in the design and construction of an appropriately-named killer attack robot. I tried to upload a video of its final victory but Google is being weird. It nearly swept the competition in a brutal to-the-death match series involving thousands of other applicants.
I had been quiet about this up until now because I hadn't realized that it would make international news, which it still hasn't, but I'd like to get out in front of this scandal before it happens. It's no surprise to many that read here that I very well might be announcing my candidacy for office sometime this weekend.
Here is the short list of my qualifications:
- Can do pushup
- Wear underwear, often designer
- Eat red meat for every meal
- Haven't had red wine in hours
What has my opponent done? Silence.
These times call for more than just silence, they also demand reverence towards sanctity. In the face of yet another Benghazi report that clears the White House of any and all wrongdoing this nation needs someone willing to ask the difficult questions like, What the fuck is a Libertarian anyway?
- Why don't they seem to want Libertarianism for others?
- Why do the best works of 20th century literature lack protagonists that qualify as heroes?
- What do they keep spraying out of commercial jet airliners?
- Why do vaccines that contain mercury cause Epolio?
- Why doesn't The Constitution include a Right to Privacy?
- Do albinos have past lives?
- Why is there no agreed upon measurement of time?
- Is there a possibility of intelligent life elsewhere on this planet?
My opponent has voted against all of the measures designed to prevent unregistered harlequins from enrolling in our grade schools. I have supported measures that increase the chances of pregnancy.
My opponent has angrily voted against proposals that would have provided education for all politicians.
Is that really who you want sleeping on the big red button in the middle of the night when Russia finally comes knocking on Sarah Palin's front door?
Vote No on Missionary Proposition #9.
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