Thursday, November 28, 2013

Horror Vacui

(Nature's attempt to fill the void)

I've been writing posts here, almost every day, for four years. Well, three and a half, in truth. I didn't start writing daily until about six months into it. 1250 posts yesterday. I hadn't checked the totals in a while. 

Like Carnivale Selah, I have also been wondering what I am doing this for. I have lost some of my verve for it. I find that I repeat myself, re-tell already told stories, etc. 

If nothing else, Rhys will have a document of a time that he could not ever possibly remember, a time of which he will one day find himself curious. 

What were Mommy and Daddy like...

You spend so much of your life preparing and planning to make good memories. You attempt to arrange life in such a way that you will be able to look back on it happily. But sometimes something gets in the way. Sharing life can be difficult, two or more wills come into play and each has their own ideas about how things should be. Or worse, how it will be next time. You tell yourself what you deserve, what you are owed. But then one day you awake to find that you were owed nothing, and that you got pretty much what you deserved. 

Love has an odd way of balancing itself out. It is far from being an exact science, but you tend to derive happiness best when you are providing it most effortlessly. 

It is easy to forget that, too easy. You turn to the elusive struggle of happiness and it evaporates around you.

Nobody's perfect. Everybody is flawed. Though that in no way defines them, or yourself, completely. We are made up of more than just our mistakes and pains, and past. It is a struggle, getting older, recognizing the simple fact of selfishness, yet also needing kindness from others in new and challenging and simple ways, more than ever before. From where is the necessary love in life found? You must have been building it, preserving it along the way, to draw upon in times of need. We all need imaginary storehouses of love, to lean and draw upon in times of duress. Like so many other things in life, you recognize the lessons too late. 

You finally sit down and calculate the meaning of a 401k plan in your mid-40's and say to yourself: uh-oh.

Nature abhors a vacuum, and punishes the idle and the swift alike.