Monday, July 8, 2013

If you're too tired to be you, then sleep

(pic by Cato)

When Rachel and Rhys are not here I leave the sliding glass doors open all night, with just the screen between me and nature. When I awake it is cold inside the house, as low as 50 degrees, sometimes even lower. For some reason I sleep much better in the cold. I am curled up in the blankets with the puppy lying near me to try to keep warm. He is still in bed now, refusing to abandon the warmth of the comforter.

Last night I dreamed of arguing with my father. I woke up and was disturbed by the memory of it. It reminded me of my turbulent teenage years, the many heated disagreements, the almost last minute attempt to somehow discipline me into being something he preferred, a surprise success, the realization for my parents that soon their "say" in things would matter no more. What an awful time it was for all of us. The sentences that every parent must occasionally use: "Not while you're living under my roof..."

That was an easy enough fix.

They must have suspected all the things that were already true. I was experimenting with drugs. The experiment developed into a proud recklessness, then grew from there.

Perhaps that's where the dream came from. Some unconscious trigger was flipped when I went into the city and stayed up all night on the boat party, and then afterwards.

Likely. Perhaps I should call my dad and tell him about it. Then let him know that I still made it to work on Friday, though somewhat reluctantly. He would perhaps be confused, then proud.

Does the sleeping mind ever outgrow feelings. It doesn't seem so. In that storied trance I can still experience emotions and fears from any age. Nightmares seem to be a return to the unsuccessful escape from the monsters of childhood, though occasionally with a few adult fears mixed in. I once read that most people's dreams are unpleasant, that pleasurable dreams are far more rare. Seems plausible.

There are those who dismiss dreams upon waking, then there are those that seem to worship them as prophecy. Lately I'm just trying to negotiate with mine, to see if they're interested in striking a deal of some sort. I'll let them go to Burning Man this year if they will just leave me alone...

One way to know that you are in love: they appear to you in that state between sleeping and wakefulness. When you awake, you know. For them, hopefully, it is the same.