Sunday, November 25, 2012

This hound of hell

Unpacking all of these old cardboard boxes - some of them untouched since I left Florida - has made me feel like a really poor vampire. They are filled with a form of Floridian soil. The pages of all of my books yellowing with years, as the skin of the aged, nearly lifeless. The unread. One of these boxes probably has me stuffed into it, sleeping on the long journey from boredom to retirement. Vampire I, just waiting to bust out of the cardboard one day, fighting my way through the shipping tape, to attack a virgin unaware. Thirsty for the rejuvenating blood of the innocent. The delicious flesh of the untainted... 

I normally don't discuss my wife's menstrual cycle here, as some of you have probably noticed. There are a moonful of reasons, but none of them so apparent as the disapproving look in her eyes right now. But she had a monstrous upswing in her cycle yesterday. Truly, it was gargantua estrus. I understand that this cycle determines, or at least indicates, phases of reproduction and fertilization in sexually active and fertile women, but why must it render its victim so devoid of sexual feelings.  Me, that is. I am the victim here. Vampire I.

We misfired messages back and forth at one another all day yesterday. All communication was lost. What we thought would be just a relaxed day around the house turned into an experiment in unrehearsed relationshiping. 

Then it dawned on me... Wait a second... When is your period?

Ha! I knew it. 

There was an unseen oddness somewhere. The vampiric taste for blood rising within me, the scent of delicious life-giving vitality suddenly detectable in the winds. Only by recognizing what it was that had been pulled in by the moons did I recover a sense of normalcy. I was prepared for this. I had been practicing my entire adult life. The she-beast was another matter. They are quite dangerous in this state, prone to unexpected savagery.

Stay out of her way, I told myself. Don't find any reason to disagree with her. 

Well, that is how it happens in theory. The reality of it was that I decided to discuss her behavior with her. We all know how that went.

Here is how one online source tenderly describes the event: "In some cases, hormones released during the menstrual cycle can cause behavioral changes in females; mild to severe mood swings can occur." 

When I first typed that sentence out I left the e off of the end of severe.

Severed mood swings can occur.