Thursday, July 19, 2012


A trip into SF today.  Selavy will be here this morning.  After he visits a few of his favorite bathhouses then we will tour the city, in search of weirdness at a photographable distance.  Maybe a light lunch and some chilled white wine, afterwards we will go brutalize the art world.  We are dangerous, clever characters.  If the nerves in my lower back hold out maybe we'll make it to North Beach, to City Lights book store, for an afternoon poetry reading.  As T.C. Boyle says, we read too much Andre Gide when we were young, it has ruined us for life.  Crime is our only remaining passion.  Jaywalking, littering, parking violations; you name it, we're in, etc.

Well, maybe not littering.  One must have some sense of community, else all is lost.

"It just does, Mom. I can't explain why it feels so good to be a gangster."

Speaking of weirdness.  I was in the car yesterday, running minor errands with the boy, listening to the radio.  I listen to a few stations in the area, most of which have their various charms.  There's one station that often has interesting talk programs on, mostly with a decidedly liberal bend to them, but often hosting well-informed discussions.  Then, out of nowhere a commercial came on...

Get your tickets now for Reptile Fest 2012....!!!  Extreme Herps!!!  You won't find lizards, snakes or amphibious moccasins like this anywhere in the far west this time a' year, at least not until REPTILE FEST 2013..!!!  God-damn it out there, are you faggots listening?  We're talking Tarantulas, Gator Wrestling, Monster Snake Shaft, Poisonous Heads, FANGS, COLD-BLOODED KILLERS...!!! Are you out of your beer-addled minds, HURRY THE FUCK UP...???!!!  There's gonna be Bud-Tubs every 10 feet at this event as mandated by our state license.  Don't waste this moment of your life.  Don't be a further disappointment to your children.  If you have to then drive the tractor to the store to get tickets, NOW!  Nobody cares. APOCALYPSE PYTHONS...!!!  Pull over at any and every gas station and demand to know if they have tickets for this once-in-a-lifetime event.  If they DO NOT, then threaten to blow those gas-peddling muslims off the face of this precious green earth.  Because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch someone get bit by a baby rattler.  GOOD GOD PEOPLE, are you out of what's left of your minds? This event only happens once a year, so this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see somebody die from venom, right in front of your very eyes.  There's gonna be a Molly Hatchet cover band there, we've had sand shipped in from the desert, mud from Mississippi, and an above-ground Olympic size swamp pool with genuine cajun cedar slime.....  You'd have to be a god-damned gay retard to not have your tickets already.  Now, are you people out there lining up to vote for Osama or are you out there buying your tickets?  We're gonna have shotguns in the shapes of Boa Constrictors, Gila Monster Grenades and Semi-Automatic Assault Cartridge Cobra's...  POISONS, TOXINS, VENOM, FANGS...!!!!!  GET BIT...!!!

... and on and on for the entire time I was in the car.  It was like a monster truck rally for snakes.  To my memory I had never heard a feature length radio info-mercial before.  Eventually they had celebrity interviews, advocates from the scientific community, even a famous local pastor came on and blessed the event and all those who would attend, and all those who were currently considering attending.  It was so far beyond surreal I rushed home to see if I had any acid left.  I have never heard anything like it before and I grew up in the south, not far from the deep south.  I mean, it was nutszilla.

Luckily, by the time I got to the Circle K they still had plenty of tickets available.