Thursday, October 25, 2012

"The sex was consensual, I swear it..."

(Tammy Faye)

I don't know what went wrong last night, but something did. Or, many things did. I'm certain that it had something to do with me but I'm not entirely sure how. A friend seems to be mad at me and I have my suspicions as to why, but it still isn't clear.

After leaving dinner last night, on the eve of my birthday, I got pulled over by a cop. I was speeding and my headlights were off. He ran my license and let me off with a warning. It is impossible to emphasize how lucky this was. I was in a rental car. Though not drunk I believe that I would have tested over the legal limit. This is not why I was driving the way that I was, it was purely coincidental. I was frazzled. He wanted to know why I was in such a hurry. I told him that is the only way to drive a rental car, and that I was sorry, I'd calm down for the rest of the drive home. 

I don't know if he happened to notice that it was my birthday or if my squeaky clean driving record impressed him the most, but he let me go without a roadside interrogation. I suppose if he had noticed that it was my birthday this might have actually worked against me. 

I had thought to sleep at my friend's house, at least for a few hours. But he wanted no part in it. I believe he let me know this with the two word exhortation to, "Fuck off!!!"

So, that's what I did, almost to Orange County's jailhouse. That would have really showed him... Some people need tough lessons.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking... Sean, you shouldn't be driving at all if you've been drinking at all. This might be true but there is something else to consider: Bullshit. Drinking and driving laws are far too strict. Anybody that has a drink or two is perfectly capable of driving as well as any retiree. Drinking limits should be set on a sliding scale dependent upon your driving record and age. This is just common sense but try telling anybody this and they will look at you as if you have completely lost your mind.  But it is they that have lost their minds. It is a governmental racket designed purely as a means of taxing the unlucky. 

Now, I don't mean the people that are actually drunk. Toss those fuckers in jail, for sure. They are a menace to society and a danger to our roads and highways, the circulatory system of our good Christian nation.

Speaking of: Everybody in Florida drives like a bunch of fucking Christians. It's maddening. None of them seem particularly interested in obeying any set of standards other than pissing off anybody that has vehicular ambitions of any kind. They'll just drift along slowly, side by side, taking up three lanes of traffic, not allowing anybody to pass, competing for last place by doing about 7mph BELOW the speed limit... They're probably part of a motorway prayer group. They meet every day and drive the same strip of road this way, doing god's best to reduce traffic accidents. I'm certain that they all have their eyes closed, appealing to their Lord. And they're EVERYWHERE.... Hundreds of these wandering assholes clogging up the roads, helping their communities become better places, one less accident at a time. It's like some massive, demented crusade of driving retards. I would sell every last one of them as sex slaves if I thought I could get anything for them. They might be useful as a one-time thrill but after that the joys of terror and rape would likely recede back to prayerful thoughts. They would endure it all as part of their abiding love for Christ. Nobody would be willing to pay money to foul them any more. I mean it, they're almost completely fucking useless, no fun at all. 

Everything here looks like a super-church or a strip mall, some of them resemble both. Even the titty bars look like some gaudy off-center Vatican nonsense. Now, don't get me wrong, once you're inside and there's a roomful of naked women it becomes much more Roman than Christian. It's quite refreshing in this regard.

No, that's all wrong. This place isn't Catholic enough for those comparisons. This is the Costco of churchland. This is where Tammy Faye Bakker came to hide after her husband's many indiscretions came to painful public light. She set up shop here and kept right on delivering her unique brand of jilted pain and tearful righteousness in the lord. I swear it. I used to landscape the property that she eventually cheated out of rent. The lord and the ladies sure do work in mysterious ways.

Now, everybody stay calm. I don't actually endorse drunk driving or raping christians, unless of course you can combine the two acts, then you have my unflinching advocacy. One must wonder if Roman lions preferred the taste of christians.

There is no such thing as a political conversation in Florida. There are only demons and saviors. Romney is the latter, apparently. This is no exaggeration. I sat in a bar, by myself, and listened to three different groups talking amongst themselves about the many evils of another four years of Osama. One group went so far as to suggest that they should consider selling their houses now, to "liquefy" their assets, because they "just don't know what's going to happen next"... Ominous. Eventually these three groups were all talking together, agreeing on various national and "world" matters and issues. A think-tank if there ever was one.

It was an Irish bar, I should mention. An Irish bar in the middle of a sinking swamp, being held up mainly by a web of christian roads.

But my how I just love the people...