Friday, February 10, 2017

Concerning pronunciation of the word "vagina"

My son has expanded his lexicon to include the words Butt, Penis, Vagina, Fart, and Poop. He celebrates these additions with every conceivable combination, sometimes in an excited and recurring string, arranged in new and laughable ways, then repeated ad infinitum

About a week ago he lured me over to where he was sitting with a "secret" that he wanted to tell me. When I leaned over and put my ear to his mouth he whispered, Vagina Butt Fart. I giggled along with him at this revelation, but then as a father also took the time to explain that there is a more economical word for such an event, sort of, and that he will one day learn that term, and then hopefully celebrate it with the same level of enthusiasm he has now. 

Much to mom's dismay. 

He ran into the living room where I was reading last week and announced, Penis Butt Fart! 

I told him, Son, take it down a notch..

At this, his shoulders slumped a bit, his volume diminished, the tone dropped half an octave, then he labored out a single tired word in three syllables: Vagina.

That: comedy gold. 

I laughed with him for several minutes and then periodically afterwards, though he and I may have found different sources of humor in the event. I suspect that he might have thought that I found vaginas unusually funny, which they can be, to be certain, though their hilarity often does not crack the top five reasons for my sustained interest in and about and around them.

After that, he proudly lionized the word Vagina with all of the acclaim that he could muster. 

We were at mom's house when he was trotting out his litany of verbal mysteries and he said the word again, at which point I corrected him on the pronunciation. After all, it is a parent's duty. And yes, I just said "duty." We have been teaching him the letters of the alphabet in conjunction with his school's efforts at same. This week's letter was "n" so I taught him a few "n" words (don't be stupid...). 

Ever the believer in continued education, I pointed out that, lots of words have the letter "n" in them. Like penis and vagina, for example. I made sure to articulate each, emphasizing how they both have a common fulcrum point in the pronunciation of the consonants. I also explained that the V creates a different sound than does the P or the F that he had been relying on to advance his concept of the enigma. 

It's not pagina or fagina, it is V-a-g-i-n-a.... I slowly said "Vagina Victory" and "Victory Vagina" a few times so that he could process the purpose of this sound. 

Mom looked on proudly as Dad made sure their son knew how to correctly pronounce the words that he's not allowed to say at school. Or rather, they are allowed, but not quite in the recreational capacity at which we can enjoy them in the leisure of our home. 

It is still an ongoing conversation between us:

Son, what is so funny about butts?

Well, butts fart and butts poop, and buttfarts make surprise poop!

You got that right, little buddy - never trust a fart.

To add to this miasma of functional confusion concerning the biology of oneself and others, he was sitting on the toilet the other day, eliminating waste, so he called me in for a little father-son chat. At first I thought he called me in to help him wipe, as that is still a two-person activity, but he had a question for me. He was being very bashful about it, but he finally said he wanted to know about me and mommy. After a few clarifying questions I realized that he wanted to know about something to which he was as yet unable to form questions, lacking the language for the conversation.

Oh, I thought, that.... He wants to know what part poop plays in sex. 

I can do this.

Well buddy, when two people love each others' butts very much then they rub them together until a baby boy pops out of the mom's butthole. With girls, nobody quite knows where they come from. It's a mystery, but they don't have penises and it's best to always remind them of that. 

I gave him an eloquent synopsis of how beautiful love occurs - that babies are made in a mommy's belly, and then there is only the disgusting magic of birth to complete this circle of circles. 

I did emphasize two very important sentences: Making babies does not involve the butt as a requirement. It is considered an optional form of adult love, one that invites some coaxing, some pressing on the actual button to loosen it up a bit, and just a little bit of trust... after that it's all smooth sailing. 

I could tell that he still had questions, so I told him that Mommy knows far more about any of this than anybody I've ever met. I also told him that Mommy used to have a penis, but she pooped it off. That's my understanding of it, anyway. It's important for me to impart my wisdom on this kid. He'll need it. He has questions, and those questions deserve answers. 

I also taught him that the word butt is pretty good, but there are ways to augment a butt that can help one become a more descriptive speaker. 

So, now he has the suffixed form of Butthole in his arsenal, also. 

And Balls. He got quite a kick out of familiarizing that part of his anatomy. Balls.


1 comment: