Monday, May 19, 2014

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

I ordered a bunch of used books from Amazon and now I await their arrival. I'm not sure if it's safe to read Kierkegaard at my tender age, but suppose I'll soon find out. Fear and Trembling. I've read bits of him before but it was usually just little snippets within other pieces that were written about him.

Don't worry, I also ordered Irrational Man by William Barrett, in the event that Soren gets too intense, I'll have some light fallback reading.

Only a short break was needed from writing here. I am like a dog that chases cars, untrainable. It is a sickness.

One friend exclaimed, "I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away!"

It's not as if I have a proven track record for staying away from things that are potentially dangerous to me. It is the re-opening of many old wounds, never allowing the lacerations to become a cicatrix. 

One thing that I found interesting when I came back after 4 days of not writing is that my daily readership hadn't been affected, which means that people don't come here to read what I've written today, they seem to just be browsing. 

I've decided that I want a new thing. It is an expensive one but I will be the only person who has it here. Photographers will beg to borrow it from me. Any fool can buy a digital camera. All that it takes is money, and there always seems to be lots to go around here in Sonoma, for a few. But people would not even know where to get a camera like this:

Well, I'll go ahead and tell you... His name is John Minnicks and the camera is called the Aero-Liberator. Here is his website. It is an Ektar lens on a Graflex body. A bespoke camera, man... I will be cool. 

I will be the coolest guy in town. Kids will circle around me and beg to see what it can do. Women will want to speak privately with me in dark corners, they will invite me up to have tea in their rooms.

Here is a picture from it, which I'm pretty certain my buddy CS took:

(Cafe Selavy)

That one image alone makes me want the camera.

The post from yesterday got me thinking about suicide, not considering it, just thinking upon it. It occurred to me that fundamentally there is only one difference between dying and suicide, and that is that there's a chance that the person dying might not have wanted to.

Love is all, it gives all, it takes all. - Kierkegaard