Saturday, October 12, 2013

"... a whirling or spinning movement"

Well, here I am, still. No matter how late I go to sleep (11pm) I awake at 4am. Today is the second and the last day of the apartment-watching. I still have no wi-fi here. I will have to post this later, if I can.

Nob Hill is a great area of SF. My friend and I watched Vertigo last night and he name-checked all of the streets and corners and buildings, the ones that were still standing anyway, citing many of the new buildings that have since replaced them. 1958. Hard to believe how quickly time passes. Not that I would know the distance from 1958. But I know other times, other distances.

Vertigo's theme is identity, of course, and what happens sometimes when it is forced, false. Unhappiness is the common result, or worse.

Well, I can't write this morning. I am sitting here, staring at the screen, wondering… what next?

A song by The Pretenders keeps drifting through my head. 

I saw a picture of you…. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh…. Those were the happiest days of my life….

If nothing else, I went to a different gym yesterday, a nice one. It is in a hotel. That nice. But the scale in the locker rooms confirmed what I have suspected with other scales. I have lost weight, 20 pounds of it. It took about 6 months. At that rate I'll disappear in about 5.5 years.

I would still like to lose a little bit more though, being under 200 pounds is my ideal weight zone. I know that getting older makes it more difficult, but I'm still not sure how I blubber-ballooned up to 236.5 pounds.

I am sitting here, thinking back upon experience after experience from the last several years. It is difficult, looking back in this way. Being honest with yourself at least has some benefit built into it, but being honest about one whom you love does not always carry the same value. So, you keep those truths to yourself, or you try to. But that's not the way that these things unfold. I know that now.