Monday, February 17, 2020

The happiness I once felt as a child

The position of the planets in relation to the visible stars of the local group of our galaxy has never had any discernible correlation to events in my life or to the formative process of my basic temperament, but I'm probably just saying that because I'm a Scorpio. 

For some reason the video I posted yesterday did not actually post with my miniature personal essay.

Today we might go to the beach. Though, yesterday we went to the park to meet one of mine and Rachel's friends - more hers than mine. She is moving out, getting a divorce. It saddened me but for some reason it seemed to embolden Rachel, so she was being a bit of a bitch to me. It must be important for her to make sure she can still act that way for reasons that are invisible to me. If today looks like it will head the same direction I will not be going to the beach. We'll see. Long term relationships tend to allow, and even encourage, a level of unpleasantness that would not be permitted elsewhere. 

Family-ity breeds contempt. 

We are all merely guests in each other's lives. I haven't forgotten that. 

But I did have a camera with me, so I was able to ignore Rachel and walk around Sonoma Square taking pictures. I should have a few images to post here soon, something other than ~years old film pics. If photography of one kind - street shooting - has taught me anything it is the value of walking away. It's just not worth engaging with some people on some levels. For me, yesterday, it was Rachel that I wished to walk away from, and so I did. 

Yet she told me how nice Valentine's Day was. Or, she responded that way when I referred to our "date night" as "its usual clumsy romantic disaster."

So, the happiness I once felt as a child. I get more of that through my relationship with Rhys, understandably, than I do anywhere else. 

Well, that and drugs, and sometimes alcohol. Though that specific return to the whimsy of childhood has mostly evaporated and dissipated for me. It is contextual and environmental. Now, I have to go all the way to Burning Man to feel a little hint of what it used to be. And who wants a naked old man wandering out in the desert feeling the happiness he once felt as child, or searching for it?

Okay, that's my report this holiday Monday morning. And to think... I should be working. Working is no way to return to any of the feelings I once had as a child. I told myself then that I hated school and that certainly it was as bad as going to work. 

Here, read that. CS sent it. It is good. 

"... to connect the poetry with the prose and so nudge travel writing away from its current status as a consumer report onto the threshold of a literary genre."